I found myself telling a friend, “I can’t go into that room with you.” The words came out of my mouth, without an immediate understanding as to what they actually meant. I just knew, deep inside, that these words were accurate in what I felt. This room is not actually a room but a place in life where there may be a fork in the road. One person has to go one way while another person goes the other way. I simply said, “I can’t go into that room with you.”
For months, God did not fully explain why I said it that way. He also did not indicate to me what that statement meant. I lived in the tension, trying to figure out what I meant. Not wanting to be careless, uncaring, or arrogant. Not wanting to be nebulous or vague. I simply could not walk the way she was walking. It does not make the path inherently wrong. It simply means that it was not a way for me at this time in my life.
But, why? There’s the question. I finally got an answer, which brought me great peace and increased freedom.
One day in prayer, the Lord spoke to me.
“Debra don’t hedge your bets.”
Hmmmm? I always get these one-liners from God that take me down a path of understanding His way for my life. They work for me. God is gracious to talk to me with a bit of humor with a lot of creativity.
“Don’t hedge your bets.”
What does it mean?
“Debra, don’t walk forward, leaving a means of retreat open in case Plan A does not work. In your case, stick with the plan. There is no plan B. Follow me.”
“Debra don’t try to protect yourself from any losses by creating a protective barrier around you by following the same ole’ same ole’ way you have always gone.”
“Debra, don’t try to minimize your exposure to loss.”
“Debra, I have created you to take risks.”
God and I spent a whole day rehashing and talking through some things. Like how I have lost my ‘edge’ over the past few years. About how I opted for a safe route because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and rejected and invisible.
I can’t hedge my bets by choosing a sure thing. The only sure thing for me is a person, Christ Jesus. He is leading me by a unique, adventurous path. And I already see it starting. After I accepted His words. He began to tell me how He wired me to be and how I actually am and not to fight it all anymore.
So, I could not go into this room with this friend. Yes, she went into it but I could not. And, God does work it all for good, loving all His children.
I have to live my life following a different rhythm, not always easy or predictable but filled with a measure of risk and adventure. To not do life this way only leaves me bored and passive which is death to my soul.
Follow me a bit further. It gets good.
Jesus spoke to my spirit (paraphrasing of course).
Release fear of the future. I’ve got it all in My hands.
Release fear that the past will repeat itself like “Groundhog Day.”
Release fear that you have missed My plan for your life.
Release fear that people control your destiny by their actions.
Release fear of what people think about you – your failures, mistakes, etc.
Then, very succinctly, I heard, “Ask no more questions about the past. Walk forward.”
From that moment something happened, all in a progression of happenings over the past year. I sensed more and more freedom each day.
I know. I can’t go into anyone’s room that may pull me back into the mundane, doing what is expected in a safe way. I can’t walk into a place where possibilities are only something continually talked about, but never pursued? Not me.
I can’t walk into rooms that are created for someone else. In fact, I don’t want to live in a room at all. A room is a confined space, limited for me, but perhaps not for others. God is cool in that – giving us what we each need.
I never intended to be selfish by not going into that room but I have followed people into so many rooms over the years that now, I want wide open spaces.
I have walked into rooms where people wanted me to mentor them, counsel them, finance their endeavors, talk with me, cry about their problems, walk through their pain with them, enter into their sorrow, their divorce, etc. And YES I have done it and always will do it as God leads for people who I love.
But NOW, that is not God’s plan for me. I want the wide-open fields, the broad places that are beautiful when it is sunny or when there are blustery winds and thunderstorms. I want these wide-open spaces for that is how I am wired in God.
I want the wide expanse of possibility that exists in the midst of what seems impossible, not being contained or conformed to the pressure of normalcy or the status quo.
I sought a measure of comfort for the past few years due to internal struggles and hopelessness. I am happy to say, that is not the case today.
So Lord, take the roof off or better yet, lead me out in a way you have chosen for me to walk…and to run. At least for this season. To walk on the path of faith that God places before me.
Lord, I won’t hedge my bets by choosing the safe way. This is the life you have given me to show forth your glory. Besides that, to take a path that I have taken before, expecting different results is insanity. I did not say that, Einstein did. He probably also liked wide-open spaces.
I won’t commit to be safe
I won’t rely on Plan B when you are a faithful God.
I won’t look for a way out.
I won’t live in fear and choose what is comfortable.
I won’t protect myself against loss by following what seems to be a sure path or a path where others may go, but I cannot go.
I won’t let safety and comfort be a protective barrier around me, keeping me in a false sense of security.
So what now? Doors are opening, wide, very wide. I had nothing to do with it. It is all about Jesus. Kenya is the first door – 3 weeks in August with a great team of people.
Here is a word for me – changed my life….hope you also love it.
The way forward you seek is through a doorway that will remain invisible until you step across its threshold of faith. Many have stalled at this point in their journey because they demanded to see the doorway before they were willing to step forward.
What you need to see is not visible in this realm of natural options and solutions. Seeing with natural eyes will only cause you to stumble and stall. The way forward will appear like a step into nothing, but it will become a step into something wild and beautiful.
As you step forward, you will be responding to a voice. Listen for the voice – this is your doorway. The one who said, “I am the door” is the voice inviting you to step forward. Once you cross this threshold an enter this doorway you will see what was not previously visible in your current circumstances.